It is Nico’s fifth birthday today. We dressed her in stripped overall over a stripped shirt and then she promptly spit up all over it.
We sang her feliz cumplemes as opposed to feliz cumpleaños because we’re counting in months, after all. Then Marta took her to daycare while I went to check the news before going to my rhetoric pedagogy class.
While Marta was nursing this morning she had asked, “So what happened with the government?” I said I was going to check, but then Marta stopped feeding Nico and Nico started looking at me like she does when she wants attention and so I left the New York Times site open by unread. Meanwhile, Nico and I made the bed. We stuffed the cloth diapers. And I sang her “Tom Dooley” about 16 times.
Now, while I am trying to read my rhetoric pedagogy homework (modes of discourse!) quickly before class, I find myself instead reading various articles about the government shutdown. I talked to my dad about it this morning and he said, “I’ve decided in retirement that it’s time to leave all this up to you guys, the younger generation.” And then he asked about Nico.
This somehow made me more depressed. Not that I blame him.
I’ve noticed since having Nico that strife, be it between politician or governments or rebel groups or those drunk kids on the corner, demoralizes me much more easily than before. I feel the weight of it in a more lasting way. A big part of this, I am sure, is the knowledge that I now have this baby who will outlast me and live in this world that at times seems increasingly painful. And violent.
Even Obama, our “HOPE” president, is using secret drone attacks to kill people he doesn’t even realize will be killed until they are.
I said “seems,” of course, because I know this world it not more violent but less violent than the world was in many other moments throughout history. But it is undeniable that becoming a mother has made me more sensitive to the disfunctions and disasters and pain of our world. And I’m not sure what to do with all that.
Normally I try to end a blog post on a light hearted note. And so I thought for a moment of blaming all this on Lubbock rather than motherhood. But as shitty as this town can be sometimes, I am pretty sure it’s not the only reason I feel more apocalyptic about our collective future–and that of this country.
So instead I will end with some photos I would normally never think to share. Nico looking apocalyptic. And somehow putting them together just now has made me feel so much better. Or at least able to have some perspective on my own depressive ruminating.
So, here she is folks, the future of our country:
This one totally says “HOPE”:
And this is Nico when she thinks about Congress:
And, just cause I really can’t help but end on a happy note. Here she is when, I like to think, she is thinking about mama and mami. Though more than likely she’s thinking “Holy shit i’m flying!”